Count Your Blessings
I have this page-a-day calendar on my desk. As I peeled off yesterday’s page, today’s message, “count your blessings,” was revealed. The picture showed a lovely family, and I thought: Why is it that I always want more? I never seem satisfied with what I have at the present. I know it is human nature to have wants and desires, but why can’t I ever just be satisfied with what I have. I am so blessed to have both my mother and father close to me. I am blessed to have 2 sisters. I am super-blessed to have the kindest, most understanding, and helpful husband. I am blessed beyond words to for the little boy that runs around our house pretending to be Spiderman, Dash, or an assortment of Power Rangers. All of these people make me who I am, and because of them more blessings follow…our home, nieces and nephews, in-laws.
It is so easy to see the negativity in life. In fact, many people seek out negativity. Lately I have become that kind of person. I have bad feelings toward good friends for sharing their joy at an expanding family. Just the other day a friend mentioned that she might start “trying” for baby #2, and I immediately tried to talk her out of it. Why? Because I am so selfish that I could not stand the hurt and pain of watching yet another friend “fall” pregnant so easily while I stand on the sideline in agony. Seriously, you’d be surprised at what a baby boom we’re in right now. The jealousy I feel toward perfect strangers is appalling. I just want to be happy again. I have placed so much pressure on getting pregnant, but what if it doesn’t happen? Can I truly be happy? I know I will, but it is still too much of an incomprehensible concept to accept. I keep telling myself I have to “try harder,” but what does that mean? It really doesn’t matter how much we “do it” if my body won’t ovulate. Every little thing about this frustrates me. I keep it bottled up inside because I don’t want pity. I don’t want other people’s story of how it “just happened.” I want to know what I can do to make it happen to me. I’ve tried so hard. This month we’re moving up to 150 mg of Clo*mid. The thoughts that once bothered me of multiples have no affect on me now…who cares, if this medicine will just work! I am trying to count my blessings, but it is so hard when I know there are blessings out there that I have yet to find.