Dear Skanky Redneck Bitch,
I am not telling you that smoking is bad for you and stinky (why restate the obvious), but when you throw your stick with fire! on the end AT ME, all bets are off. Why in hell would you not look behind you to see what you might hit with a stick of fire? I had on my brand new striped turtleneck sweater! I'm telling you, IF you had burned a hole in my arm (where your STICK OF FIRE hit me) I would have sued your ass off. You know, an apology wouldn't have hurt, either. I guess that's just too much class for a "rode hard and put up wet" skanky redneck like yourself. You'd be better off spending the money you drop on cigarettes styling your ugly ass hair.
Sincerely, The Girl Behind You When You Were Entering [Chain Decorating Store]

********************

Dear Anna Nicole Smith,
Why?
Sincerely, American Music Award Viewer Laughing Her Ass Off